Josiah Kayd Shelton

Scott and I recently endured the greatest loss ever imaginable, the loss of our son. We are deeply hurting but we are taking life moment by moment. Here is my story:

After 4 years of no birth control and 2 pervious losses, June 1st 2008 I found out I was pregnant. Knowing I was at risk for another loss I savored every moment being pregnant, everyday was a new milestone, just one more day closer to the day I will get to bring my own baby home from the hospital and I wouldn’t have to give him or her back ever, this was a day in have been dreaming of as far back as I can remember. I enjoyed half heartedly the nausea, the vomiting every 7 weeks (little one already had a sense of order) sleeping on my side, craving fruit (mainly pineapple), carrots and sweets (not normal for me) and singing ‘Oh Holy Night’ for him (the need for him to love Christmas music year round was crucial). I was ecstatic over the fact that I couldn’t button my jeans and had to venture out to find an entire new wardrobe. I counted down the days to my doctor appointments and cried every time I heard a heartbeat. Countless blood tests, feeling a flutter for the first time, those indescribable kicks(especially when little one heard his daddy’s voice), multiple ultrasounds, and those sweet sweet words of “it’s a boy” the baby growing inside of me was definitely a miracle.
Sunday October 19th 2008 was just a peaceful uneventful day; I worked on my album, went to the craft store, cooked dinner and just relaxed all the while baby boy was kicking and moving around. Around 7:30 I decided to take a shower in anticipation of the new episode of Desperate Housewives. As I was toweling off I had a small gas pain, so as anyone would, I sat on the toilet to take care of it. It was like a dam burst open, I knew immediately my water broke. “Scott! Scott” I screamed. As I was telling him my water broke, we were both just staring at each other not quite sure what to do. Scott called the doctor, I grabbed my tooth brush and Randy (Scott’s dad) called the local fire station to get a medical unit ready we were about to travel from Spanaway to Evergreen hospital in Kirkland (about an hour away). When I arrived at the fire station they loaded me up on the stretcher and immediately took baby boy’s heart beat 160bpm awe perfect. Sirens blaring and lights flashing away we went. I had no labor whatsoever, talking and joking with the medics, boy did I have to pee though. Finally about 45 minutes later I am being wheeled into the ER with my mom and Scott by my side and soon my sister and cousin as well….they sent us directly to labor and delivery. Everything was still mellow they allowed me to use the bathroom, and change into a gown. As I lay down again the nurse instantly put a monitor on me to find baby’s heart beat, 130bpm, 90bpm….where is it “Dr! Dr! Stat!” As she comes rushing in just like the movies, my cervix is being checked….”cord is prolapsing”! “C-section now” before I knew it I was being wheeled to the OR, Dr’s were dressing as we walked, we even crashed into something. The last thing I remember was asking where Scott was (he was also getting dressed) the mask was on, the drugs were coming and I was out. Baby boy was born at 9:55pm
I woke up very drugged and groggy asking for my baby; nurses told me he was fine. Blacking out once again I woke in my hospital room with Scott by my side telling the nurse doctor said I was able to go see my baby, She told him no because I was in too much pain. Throughout the night Scott and his mom spent the night in and out of the nicu. The next time I woke up it was 7 and I asked to go see my baby, the nurse once again said no because it was a shift change, once again I dozed off. 8:30 I work up by Scott’s voice I knew that tone, something was wrong, finally the nurse let me go and I was rushed into a wheel chair but of course on our way to the nicu we were stopped by the doctor, he pulled us into his office sat us down and told us things have gone downhill and it was not looking good. I will tell you that was the last place I wanted to be! I just wanted to meet my sweet baby boy!
The second I laid eyes on him I fell in love, so tiny so innocent, hooked up to all those machines that I prayed would save his life. Through this all I could barley keep my eyes open, I was so drugged up. I talked to him, I touched him, I prayed for him. I was told the first time he heard Scott’s voice he responded. His temp was 90 I prayed it would rise. Within minutes it did to 100, minutes later it was 98. “Thank you Jesus!” He scored a 5 and than a 6 on his apgar….amazing!! They kept drawing blood from him, with intentions to do a blood transfusion; he also had a brain scan which showed a little bit of fluid, most likely blood. It was so difficult to sit in that wheel chair and it hurt so bad to lean in to talk to him. I finally resorted to lying on the scouch; I could hear all that was going on nurses, doctors and family in and out so much going on. Than I heard the words, “he’s not going to make it would you like to hold your son?” What?? I instantly burst in to tears once again in search for Scott. As they were putting my baby on my chest skin to skin as Scott walked in, as did the rest of out family. Uncle Phil said a prayer and the dr. listened for a heartbeat…nothing he was gone, into the arms of Jesus he already was. For the next hour or so I sat there holding my baby boy, whom finally we named Josiah Kayd. The nurses bathed him with daddy’s help, many pictures, hand and foot prints, every family member had a chance to hold him and say hello… and goodbye. We were even blessed with a visit from some close friends and co-workers. We chose no autopsy, his lungs were not strong enough and he was so premature we didn’t need any other explanation.
As we walked back to our room the long road of grief and healing stood before us. The rest of the day was filled with flowers friends and drugs. Josiah came with us and we held him all day, all our visitors had a chance to see how perfect he was. I do have to say when everyone left and it was just Scott, Josiah and I it was pretty lonely, we really enjoyed every person that came to support us. We had one last friend stop by and that was it the day was over. When the nurse woke me to take my meds she asked where the baby was… my first thought was that someone took him but than I knew exactly Scott had taken him into the bed with him. To some that may sound weird but this is all we had we only had this physical tiny angel for a limited amount of time and we had no choice but to use this time wisely and savor these precious moments.
The next day I had an ultra sound where I learned I had gall stones…. great one more thing to deal with!! When we were down there we missed a visit from a dear friend, but were blessed with more family visitors, I even got a shower FINALLY! More drugs and he short time I was alone I cleaned my room ha! (In time of distress I tend to need to be extremely organized and have somewhat a sense of control). At 3pm the time came, it was time to hand Josiah over to a representative from the funeral home where he would be taken and cremated. Tears, kiss’s, I love you’s, and of course more tears. That was that last time I was ever going to hold my first born son and touch those big feet and hands( those came from Scott but he did have my thumbs) and brush that sweet sleeping face (which might I add he sleeps just like his daddy). Good bye my sweet baby boy Josiah. Evening came, we made it through the day, we did it.
Wednesday came and it was time to head home, after the doctors go ahead we packed the car, filled the prescriptions said our goodbyes to the most amazing nurses and off we went back to reality back to the real world where life was still moving.
In the coming days we busied our selves planning Josiah’s memorial and staying with family. Saturday October 25th 2008 we celebrated Josiah’s life with many friends and family, some whom we have not seen in years but in time of need they were there for us, what an amazing feeling know not only how supported we were but loved Josiah was.
As I am writing my story just 3 weeks from the day Josiah was brought into this world, I fully understand that the desire to have my baby back in my arms will never go away, I will cry, grieve, ask what if a million times, I will have good days and bad days. But I also fully understand how blessed we are to have been chosen to be the mommy and daddy of Josiah Kayd, we got to see our son breath life here on earth, he lived for 13 hours and 1 minute, how blessed we are. As I am very aware not every mommy and daddy get that opportunity, and I will never for one second take that for granted. Through all this I know one thing for sure, Josiah is in the arms of Jesus and one day Scott and I will see him again, and until than we will tell our story celebrate his life and thank God for giving us the honor of being Josiah Kayd’s mommy and daddy.